The Great Birth Order Debate

Hey guys,

Today I want to chat a bit about birth order. Lots of people that read this blog are just now starting to embark on their adoption journey. Remember that? It was only a year ago for me. There are so many questions... How many? Which country? How old? What agency? Yikes. It's overwhelming making some of those decisions. Initially we just sort of felt our way around. We felt drawn to two older girls that we saw on someone's blog. When you see their faces and hear their stories it's so easy to try and find a way to give that child a home and that's what we wanted to do. Give two (almost) teenaged girls a home. And with the purest heart and best of intentions we set out to do that. We quickly discovered one million roadblocks. Besides many practical, logistical problems, once we were assigned a social worker she pointed out that that age was probably not a good fit for our family that already includes two little ones (3 and 6). We didn't care. She was adamant. That happens sometimes, and you have to find a way to agree and work together.

I want to tell you guys a little bit about what to expect in those first meetings with your social worker and some things to consider before you go in. Here is one rule of thumb: You do not break birth order. You adopt at least one year younger than your youngest. That's the rule. The main reason is that certain rights and treatments are given to children based on the order that they were born. Dethroning your oldest might upset the vibes in your house. And truly, this is the popular and accepted rule among authorities, some social workers being more stickler-ish than others about it.

But we all know that some rules are made to be broken. So let's explore that.

My problem with the rule is that older kids aren't being adopted. If you look on the waiting child list at your agency you will not find an infant or toddler on that list. There is a wait list a mile long for those kids (and I'm super glad for it). But my heart does bleed for the older ones. Meaning 4 and older. Our social worker strongly advised that we adopt a year younger than our youngest, which would put us in the 0-2 year old line. It's a very long line, and I was selfishly hoping to skip those years anyway (been there, done that, not a fan). So we've decided to stay younger than our oldest since he does value his place as oldest, but we're  not limiting ourselves to staying younger than Abby. There is a possibility of artificially twinning Abby, as well (another no-no), but we'll explore that topic in another post.

I'm feeling ok about breaking the rule because of an argument that I heard from a leading adoption specialist and counselor, Arleta James, in her presentation on Adoption Learning Partners webinar, Brothers and Sisters in Adoption. She had lots of interesting things to say on the subject of breaking birth order, and ultimately said that she didn't think that it was much of a big deal. Birth order is more fluid these days as families blend through marriage as well, so it's something that lots of families are going through. Also, she pointed out that rights and responsibilities, rewards and consequences should be given out based on maturity and not age. Not to mention that adopted kids may have younger emotional ages than chronological ages, so that sort of skews things to. I agree with all her points, so I'm cool with it.

We felt strongly that we wanted to adopt a child that might otherwise have a hard time finding a family. That's not true for everyone at all. I think God calls us all to be open to different scenarios. But today I just wanted to throw a few thoughts into the mix in case breaking birth order is an obstacle for you in adopting the child that you feel is on your heart. Just something to think about as you're making some of those early decisions.

Now, I'm totally not a fan of debates. Not my thing. You guys all know where I stand for my family, and every family is so unique, so there's no judgement from me in a different choice. But in the interest of fully informing our friends at the beginning stages of what to expect, let's share a little today. Really really nicely, because we're totally a snuggly family here. But I want to know... are you breaking birth order with your adoption? And why did you decide that?

Brothers and Sisters in Adoption

Buenos dias, you guys. Remember when I told you I'd be taking a few webinars? Well, yesterday I took an awesome one that should become available to you today or tomorrow and I totally recommend you take it. It was about how typical brothers and sisters (meaning any well adjusted child in your home) can help with the adoption, how to cope with upsets, and what to expect as possibilities.

If you have a child older than 5 I'd suggest taking the class to listen to the whole hour. I took a few notes and here's some little tidbits that I took away with me. (*please remember that well adjusted, healthy kids exist in the adoption world, but they don't make great seminar material, so don't freak out too much at the scary possibilities. they are real, but they are only possibilities.)

• The biggie rule of the whole seminar is to MAKE TIME FOR EVERYONE. I know you don't have time. But your only job in life this year is to spend time with every member of your household every day, even if it's just for a few minutes. Nothing else matters. Soccer doesn't matter. Coffee with your girlfriend doesn't matter. Your blog doesn't matter. Some suggestions included taking a typical child out of school for half a day to go for ice cream. Or stagger bedtimes so that everyone gets a personal goodnight. We started implementing that one last night and my oldest loves it already. Bonus, he slept in an extra half hour today too. 

• Expect the adopted child to act younger than their chronological age. Neglect, trauma, institutionalization, and malnutrition play a part in stunting various bits of their growth. The teacher gave an example of an 8 year old with the coping skills of a 3 year old. You know how 3 year olds are kinda mean? Yeah, they are. Look at my little 3 year old. 

I know you'd never believe it by looking at her, but sometimes she throws fits. Wailing, hitting anything within arms reach, throwing toys across the room. Well, imagine an 8 year old doing that. So there were some ideas on how to protect the others during tantrums, like having a safe spot that they can play while the adopted child works out a tantrum. 

• Sharing rooms - believe me, this one was a little sad for me... She recommended (probably pretty wisely) that new kid doesn't need to share a room with the others for a while after they get home. I have total fantasies of the double girl room for Abs and her new sister. Visions of them jumping on their coordinating, but not matching beds... But, it's not suggested until we understand the nature and personality of the new child. Some are sexually active at shockingly young age (at no fault of their own, of course), but still it's something that needs to be investigated before we explore that room sharing idea. The exception was if your kids are old enough and mature enough to come tell you immediately (example = 12 year old and a 7 year old, or something like that).
• Give the typical kids a non-caregiving job to help out, like teaching new sister how to play with legos. It's a learned skill. 

There were so many great points made in this seminar, I can't recommend it enough if you have other kids in the house with you. I thought it would be mostly common sense stuff, but I definitely picked up some tips that I think will make the transition smoother.