Tuesday, October 9, 2012
His Boogers Are Mine Now
I know this is a super weird post because my mind works in a weird way, but I told you I'd share the ins and outs of this whole process, so here ya go.
We met Jude a few months ago. In pictures, he was adorable. Our friends who had met him said he was happy and cute. We painted our own picture of what our life would be like with him here. We named him Jude because we could say it, and we knew no one would know how to pronounce Tegegn. We called him that to our friends and family and to each other. He had kind of an imaginary persona over here. The same as we did with our bios. We picked their names, their 'styles', their favorite animals, and guessed about their personality before they ever made their debut. Anyhoo, when we got to Ethiopia he was quiet and calm. I instantly felt like I adored him; that was easy and effortless. But you don't really get a chance to know each other in front of other adoptive families, nannies, and guides. It's a tad awkward. Fun and interesting in it's own way, but way different. Anyway, we're there in the transition home and I'm cooing and rocking and all that cheesy mama stuff and as I'm staring at him I notice that he has a massive ball of earwax in his ear. It's gross, man. Browny-orange and gigantic. My first instinct is "gross, I want that out of there". But my fingers can't touch it. It was foreign and weird and repulsive. It bothered me that that was my response. I thought this would be perfectly natural, actually. I left the ear blob where it was and decided that he'd get a solid ear cleaning when he got home, complete with Q-tips.
Fast forward a few months, and my husband meets me at the airport with our brand new bundle. We head home to start our life together. Again, he feels instantly mine, like he's been here forever... until diaper time. His weenie (we say weenie around here, people, because I'm immature like that) is uncircumcised and I've never seen one like this. It freaked me out a bit. His poop was super stank. I gagged when cleaning it. I dreaded diaper changes because everything that came out of his body was kind of like a reminder that he was a stranger. I love my kids, and of course I love your kids (they are darling), and don't tell anybody this, but I don't much care for other people's kids. It's just how I'm built. I started to panic a little thinking maybe he would always feel like someone else's kid. But the only time I felt like that was when he started oozing from various locations. And this really bothered and scared me.
So I prayed a freaky prayer.
Lord, please oh please, let me learn to love every leaking bit of him. Sooner than later. His weenie freaks me out and his poop smells so weird. Please let me see his gross stuff as part of the fabulous package that is Jude and love it all just like the little people that came out of my own body.
And wouldn't you know it, the Lord still answers my most ridiculous prayers just to relate to me in my own language. Sometimes I am amazed. I could feel that God knew that I was struggling with this last little hurdle that would make him feel like mine to me, and he answered it. By the next day I was able to wipe his snot with my bare fingers and wipe it on my jeans just like a good mama. It's safe to say his boogers are mine now, the poop too. He's starting to smell like my perfume and my skin and his skin and his fancy Target hair oil all mixed up together to make his very own smell (that I love). And I am now the proud owner of that bizarre compulsion to pick crusty stuff off of my new baby.